Saturday, May 19, 2012

UNREQUITED LOVE


            Here I am.  Waiting.  For what, I do not know… Then again, I do not know much yet.
            What a beautiful world I live in.  Warm, comfortable, secure.  Acceptance radiating from everywhere I turn.  Is everyone this happy? I don’t think so.  They’re not where I am anymore.
            Why do things have to change?  Once perfect bliss is grasped, how is it lost?  Is it a trick of God, or entirely a person’s fault?  It is said that life is a wheel, turning round and round, but will it never stop?  Perhaps, if it does cease, so will life… maybe… happiness goes with how you handle the turn of the wheel…
            I do not ever want to go far from home. The cord which binds me to it is stronger than all the rope and all the twine made by man.  Love.  What a wonderful word.  It encompasses all thought, all feeling, all senses. Love. It surpasses age and time, social class and race, religion and belief.  Probably the only thing constant in this world is love.  This one word which brings the greatest men to their knees, encouraged weak souls to stand and proclaim their individuality! can also put to rest arms raised between nations and put brother beside brother, on the same lever, in the same height.  Love.  To be in love, and not in-love, is what everyone wants. And I have it.
            From this point in my life, everything is possible.  I have so much potential, I have so much hope.  I am the future! I will set to right whatever mistakes others have committed before me, and continue the good another has started.  I am strong.  I have courage.  No one will stop me for I am in the Right.  Others will join and we will succeed until Paradise Lost is Paradise Found.
            ouch
            How beautiful I am.  With my new-found sight I look at myself and see God’s gift in flesh.  These hands for helping, these arms for protection, my shoulders for comfort, my whole being for others.  Just as my mother was for me.
            The darkness soothes the sudden crushing pain slowly crawling through my body…
            I feel my heart beat-beat-beating with my blood pound-poun-pounding through my vessels. Filling me with warmth and energy. Making me live.
            Why is it that something pulls me from this abyss?  I do not want to leave yet! I should not leave yet… now is not my time yet!  I should know.
            NO!
            No, I will not allow this!  Mommy! I’m not ready! I’ll die! I’ll die! I’ll… die… Mommy… do you want me to die?
            Mommy… I love you! Mommy…
            And still it pulls… and still, it pulls me…
           
            Now, I do not have to wait.  Now I know of happiness and love; now I know of pain. Now I join all the rest who will forget such happiness existed. Now I will join those who will be never experience it again. Now I join those who will be forgotten.  My wheel is stuck in a rut on the road of life with no hope of ever being lifted.  The cord which binds me can only be severed by the hand that holds it… and love is vanquished for a future in the Paradise Lost.  This beauty’s features will be mangled and torn, of no use for others.  The blood shall halt, and this heart will stop.
            The light is harsh compared to the dark.
            I love you, mommy.
            Perhaps the greatest tragedy is death brought about by the being which created you.

(July 1998)

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